Year: 2017
Director: Dean Devlin
Starring: Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish, Alexandra Maria Lara, Daniel Wu, Amr Waked, Andy Garcia, Ed Harris

Written by Chris Gelderd

When an internationally created series of satellites blanketed across Earth, controlled from the International Space Station, starts to malfunction and strange weather occurrences take place across the world, US President Palma (Garcia) demands it to be fixed.

Former station commander Jake Lawson (Butler) is commissioned to go up to the ISS and investigate and repair the fault. On Earth, Max Lawson (Sturgess) and his Secret Service girlfriend Sarah (Cornish) uncover a deadly conspiracy.

It seems somebody in the Presidential party wants the satellites out of action and has been sabotaging them, creating deadly weather that will build up to a Geostorm, killing millions. Only Jake and Max, millions of miles apart, can save the world, prevent the Geostorm and uncover the truth before it is too late…

Hello and welcome to the weather forecast from Jumpcut Online, but one you may be doubting due to the fact there have been rumours of a ‘Geostorm’ hitting cinema shores? What is a Geostorm? A Geostorm is a series of large consecutive weather disasters around the world that will wipe out cities, kill millions and re-shape Earth as we know it. Sadly, there is nothing of the sort in the ‘Geostorm’ movie and so, pretty much, is one big fake marketing campaign.

So. What can you expect? A Scottish actor with a bad American accent known as a Gerard Butler will sweep in from the West to lead this event. You may have experienced some intense activity from Butler in the past like ‘300’, ‘Olympus Has Fallen’ and, goodness, even ‘Phantom Of The Opera’. Butler usually causes chaos, but somehow he is a poor man’s Bruce Willis action hero, and delivers many cheap, fun bangs for your buck. Here, however, he blows in and fizzles out rather quickly.

The Butler today appears rather weak, lazy, bored and a little pasty around the edges. When the driving force behind such a weather event is this useless, it spells certain doom for the longevity of such an event as ‘Geostorm’.

Sadly, the Butler is just the head of the breeze blowing in, because behind him we have many other faces who just blow in, do what the script says and then fizzle out. We have the Abbie Cornish, the Ed Harris, the Andy Garcia and the Jim Sturgess winds who are your run of the mill supporting winds. Each character has been seen many times before in various genres, and they offer nothing new or engaging – it’s one big cliché and nonsense that none of them seem to eclipse.

I will say, just behind all the hot air is a little ray of sunshine dubbed Tabitha Bateman as Butler’s daughter. When a thirteen year old performs better than her elder, more acclaimed supporting cast, you know it’s a poor show of talent on the whole.

Brace yourselves, for the hot winds do not ease off over the 100 mins or so of this boring, hap-hazard storm. Freezing temperatures created by a terribly over-serious plot react badly with the hot winds and elongate everything. You’ll feel trapped. You’ll feel restless. You’ll feel tired. You’ve seen these sorts of disaster events done far better, such as the ones dubbed ‘The Day After Tomorrow’, ‘Volcano’ or even ‘2012’. They had a purpose and they were creative. They felt dangerous and left their mark visually with viewers with those big dramatic money shots. This does not.

This ‘Geostorm’ doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it some strange science-fiction adventure? Is it a family drama? Is it a disaster film? Is it a political thriller? It’s a big mess, and it shows. Too much gas and bloated weather pockets, not enough release.

Hot winds and freezing temperatures don’t react to make anything enjoyable, and sadly it’s not over yet. During this we will see a big old gust of smog roll in under the guise of CGI. All the smog you’ve seen before in trailers and marketing is as much as you see in reality. It’s the same old smog of people running away from CGI weather, mostly on beaches for some strange reason, and all of these moments last a minute or less. You will get fire, snow, tidal waves, hail and wind all in under 5 minutes. That’s your lot. If you’re expecting a pay-off for bracing this storm, you won’t get it. You don’t need to prepare yourself – you can stand out without aid and it will blow over you no matter how hard it tries to batter you with spectacle, danger, drama or forced emotion.

So looking ahead to when this storm passes, what will it leave? My answer? Nothing. There will be little damage left to you all once you emerge, and you will be more annoyed at the inconvenience than anything else. I can’t even lie and say there is anything positive to take away here.

The winds and temperature will die off as quickly as it came, and you won’t remember this storm in the days to come, and nor will it go down in history. Well, it might, as one of the most disappointing and lackluster Geostorms ever, due to the fact you never saw or experienced one at all.

Chris’ Rating: 1 out of 10

One thought on “Geostorm

  1. Pingback: Leftovers of October Part One (The Movies to Avoid) – The Movie Guy and Friends

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s